sleep tight motherfuckers

if i could find them, i'd make them all pay. and i'm sure i could. the digital age is inescapable. you'd have to work hard to leave no pattern that was capable of being tracked down.
after almost going to prison once- dodging it by the skin of my teeth- that fear is what keeps me from digging to see what i can see.

b/c if i found them, nothing would keep them safe; just like nothing kept me safe.

before i cut off their feet and fed them to them, we'd have a chat.

i would talk, they would listen.

i would ask if they understood, really understood, what they took from me. my entire childhood. every ounce of my innocence. any chance i could have ever had at living a normal life. and ask them what kind of life they've had. if the guilt comes for them in the dead of night the way the memories, minotaurs, and demons come for me. i'm sure it doesn't. i'm sure they've had happy lives, hiding who they really are- chewing through other people's souls behind their masks and closed doors.any guilt they could have is feigned. no one does those things while still being capable of guilt.

all the guilt i could of had for ending them got crushed out of me by every time they forced themselves into my child's body. pain eventually fades. the hate doesn't. my fear keeps them safe. not my mercy or forgiveness. i have none. they literally forced it out of me by forcing themselves into me. my fear of being incarcerated keeps them safe.

i wish they could know that. that every day someone realizes they aren't a child anymore. that they are a grown man. that they hate themselves so much and what was done to them that they obsessively put themselves through pain past what they think is tolerable to be stronger and to feel capable again.

people talk to me about forgiveness. about how it heals. about how it isn't for the other person but for me. forgiveness is just a word. it isn't even a concept i understand let alone an action i am capable of performing. and the people who speak to me about forgiveness... what the fuck do they know about forgiving anything like this? nothing. i know that's the case- nothing. until they get torn open over and over again as a child and have no one come to help or notice; until they have that hate and shame and confusion and rage take their humanity from them; i won't listen.

i have no forgiveness in me. no mercy. no empathy. no chance of forgetting. only hate and a vengeance that burns so bright it blinds me from seeing anything else.

i want them to sleep tight while they can. because one day i will come for them. and if i don't make it; i know i'm not the only one. all things come to those who wait, and some of us wait in ambush.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUWUY57ar18

Bad luck wind been blowing at my back
I was born to bring trouble to wherever
I'm at Got the number thirteen tattooed on my neck
When the ink starts to itch, then the black will turn to red

I was born in the soul of misery
Never had me a name
They just gave me the number when I was young

Got a long line of heartache
I carry it well
The list of lives
I've broken reach from here to hell
Back luck been blowing at my back
I pray you don't look at me, I pray I don't look back

I was born in the soul of misery
Never had me a name
They just gave me the number when I was young

I was born in the soul of misery
Never had me a name
They just gave me the number when I was young
They just gave me the number when I was young

Mother wake up there’s something beneath my bed and from its mouth comes the sound of grinding bones and fetid breath

its teeth have been cut on the soft, supple flesh of innocence and youth…




and I hear it whispering in my ear.

“Come little one, suffer my company and oh, things I will show you- the body is a temple and I will instruct you in the ways of worshiping at my altar”

A mentor to a lost child,
A compass for a ship at sea with the power to reverse the poles and render all maps useless


“Take my hand and tread where the many have gone before you.
Take your place among them as another notch in my belt.”

Mother wake up, on its breath I smell the rot of devoured child hoods
This leviathan and bringer of ruin comes for me now.
All hidden beneath a uniform:

a coach’s whistle,
a priests collar,
a teacher’s ruler,

Truly a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

The bogeyman is real.

all this criteria. no answers. just bullshit, white man lies about how i should feel better or explained

The PTSD literature for veterans and sex assault survivors lists conditions that are commonly found among survivors of those types of trauma. Survivors typically have only some of these symptoms, and the severity of a particular symptom may vary from individual to individual. Survivors of different types of traumatic events often have a different range of symptoms. A remarkably large number of these conditions are common among people with long-term histories of suicidal pain:

Problems with memory. Persistent, intrusive, and vivid memories concerning the traumatic situation. Events of daily life may trigger distressing memories related to the trauma. Memory lapses for parts of the traumatic situation. Many suicidal people are troubled by strong images, such as the feeling that they have bombs inside their bodies or a knife over their heads, and in recovery continue to be bothered by the memory of having had these images.

Avoidance of things associated with the traumatic experience.

Denial on the seriousness of the experience.

Persistent anxiety.

Fear that the traumatic situation will recur. The trauma is often an event that shatters the survivors sense of invulnerability to harm.

Disturbed by the intrusiveness of violent impulses and thoughts.

Engagement in risk-taking behavior to produce adrenaline.

A feeling of being powerless over the traumatic event. Anger and frustration over being powerless.

A feeling of being helpless about ones current condition.

Being dramatically and permanently changed by the experience.

A sense of unfairness. Why did this happen to me?

Holding oneself responsible for what happened. Feeling guilty.

The use of self-blame to provide an illusion of control. Sexual assault survivors often blame themselves: If I hadnt been at that location, worn those clothes, behaved in that way, then it wouldnt have happened. This pattern is also found in the survivors of a completed suicide. If I had only done x, the suicide would not have happened, can be used to try to cope with the fear that suicide will happen again in the family--i.e., it is preventable if I just manage things differently. The suicidal are often full of self-blame. As in the other cases it is partly due to an internalization of social attitudes that blame the victim or family, and also due to the effort to gain mastery over the situation. To imagine we could have done more is more tolerable than total helplessness.

An inability to experience the joys of life.

Feelings of being alienated from the other people and society in general. I am different. I am shameful. If they knew what I was like, they would reject me. I dont belong in this world. Im a freak, an outcast.

When people with PTSD try to return to normal life, they are plagued by readjustment problems in the basic elements of life. They have difficulties in relationships, in employment, and in having families.

A lack of caring attachments. A sense of a lack of purpose and meaning.

Some chronically traumatized people lose the sense that they have a self at all.

Veterans report the feeling that they never really made it back from the war. Formerly suicidal people feel they never really made it back to normal life.

One Viet Nam veteran with PTSD said, I dont have any friends and I am pretty particular about who I want as a friend.

PTSD was aggravated for Viet Nam veterans because they returned to a country that had negative attitudes toward them. For sexual assault survivors, stigmatization is the second injury.

When Viet Nam veterans returned home people were angry at them. They had shamed the country, they had done something wrong, they were potentially harmful to others, it was dangerous to be with them. Sexual assault survivors may receive angry responses--on the grounds that they have done something that shames the family. Suicide attempters often experience great anger from family and care providers.

A deep distrust of co-workers, employers, authorities.

Left with unexpressed rage against those who were indifferent to their situation and who failed to help them.

In personal relationships there are problems of dependency and trust. A fear of being abandoned, betrayed, let down. A belief that people will be hurtful if given a chance. Feelings of self-hatred and humiliation for being needy, weak, and vulnerable. Alternating between isolation and anxious clinging.

Trauma often causes the victim to view the world as malevolent, rather than benign.

No sense of having a future, or, the belief that ones future will be very limited.

Feel that they belong more to the dead than to the living.

The feeling of having a negative Midas touch--everything I get involved with goes bad.

Loss of self-confidence, and loss of feelings of mastery and competence.

A resistance to efforts to change a maladaptive world view that results from the trauma.

A mistrust of counselors ability to listen.

People who suffered traumatic experiences as children, teenagers, or young adults may simultaneously become prematurely aged and developmentally arrested. A part of them feels old. Another part feels stuck at the age they had when the trauma occurred.

PTSD can be worse if the sufferer experiences the trauma as an individual rather than as a member of a group of people who are suffering the same situation. Unlike earlier wars in which units went overseas together and returned together, in Viet Nam each soldier had an individual DEROS (Date of Expected Return from Overseas). This reduced unit cohesiveness; each soldier experienced the war from an individual point of view. Suicidal people experience their near-death situation with extreme isolation. They see their conditions as being completely unique - terminal uniqueness. They have no sense of identification with others.

The severity of PTSD symptoms tends to increase with the severity and duration of the trauma.

The use of alcohol or drugs to cope with the PTSD symptoms.

Attempts to do things to gain a feeling of mastery over the traumatic situation, e.g., become a volunteer on a hotline.

its all here...

melodramatic but fuck it. and fuck you.

http://notpopular.com/lyrics/viewLyrics.php?AlbumID=2619

Normal

The best way I can say it is in someone else's words:

"Cause the one thing that you always ask is the one I don't understand: why. I've no idea why. I see a guy walking down the street with a stupid look on his face and I want to bash him over the head with a bottle. To me that's normal. It's weird to me that no one else feels that way. It's all I think about. I can't stop.""