no gods no masters

the world is about power and control.

religion. advertising. school. work. careers. rent.

swimming alone at sea isn't the kind of freedom people want. they want the freedom to choose coke vs pepsi.

i'm with them. and that makes me a coward. because i know better. and still i don't do anything.

fuck their rules. fuck their laws. fuck their fear and guilt.


i'm going to find a way to do it my way.

"I wish you all had one neck and that I had my hands on it."

Bipolar disorder or manic-depressive disorder, also referred to as bipolar affective disorder or manic depression, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes. The elevated moods are clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes, or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood; but, in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, which is known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to such psychotic symptoms as delusions and hallucinations.............

The onset of full symptoms generally occurs in late adolescence or young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the person's self-reported experiences, as well as observed behavior. Episodes of abnormality are associated with distress and disruption and an elevated risk of suicide, especially during depressive episodes. In some cases, it can be a devastating long-lasting disorder. In others, it has also been associated with creativity, goal striving, and positive achievements. There is significant evidence to suggest that many people with creative talents have also suffered from some form of bipolar disorder. It is often suggested that creativity and bipolar disorder is linked............

............Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation, or hopelessness; disturbances in sleep and appetite; fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyable activities; problems concentrating; loneliness, self-loathing, apathy or indifference; depersonalization; loss of interest in sexual activity; shyness or social anxiety; irritability, chronic pain (with or without a known cause); lack of motivation; and morbid suicidal ideation. In severe cases, the individual may become psychotic, a condition also known as severe bipolar depression with psychotic features. These symptoms include delusions or, less commonly, hallucinations, usually unpleasant. A major depressive episode persists for at least two weeks, and may continue for over six months if left untreated. Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated mood, which can take the form of euphoria. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep, with many often getting as little as 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night, while others can go days without sleeping. A person may exhibit pressured speech, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant, or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable, or as if they have been "chosen" and are "on a special mission" or have other grandiose or delusional ideas. Sexual drive may increase. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood.Some people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose...........................

...............................Evidence suggests that environmental factors play a significant role in the development and course of bipolar disorder, and that individual psychosocial variables may interact with genetic dispositions. There is fairly consistent evidence from prospective studies that recent life events and interpersonal relationships contribute to the likelihood of onsets and recurrences of bipolar mood episodes, as they do for onsets and recurrences of unipolar depression. There have been repeated findings that between a third and a half of adults diagnosed with bipolar disorder report traumatic/abusive experiences in childhood, which is associated on average with earlier onset, a worse course, and more co-occurring disorders such as PTSD. The total number of reported stressful events in childhood is higher in those with an adult diagnosis of bipolar spectrum disorder compared to those without, particularly events stemming from a harsh environment rather than from the child's own behavior. Early experiences of adversity and conflict are likely to make subsequent developmental challenges in adolescence more difficult, and are likely a potentiating factor in those at risk of developing bipolar disorder.^{....................................}

 

no reason

i'm physically depressed. it isnt in my head right now. it's my body. i hate the way it feels in me. it feels like a singularity sucking me inside out.
and i have no reason to be today. it's been a *good* day. nothing has gone wrong. but it's been creeping up on me for hours and nothing has kept it at bay or stopped it in its tracks.
this is the first time it's happened in the week and a half since the the doc put me on happy-pills.
that upsets me more.


being crushed by something i can't see and can't stop. being held down by some immense, ephemeral force that is so massive holding my head up at my desk feels like lifting a car. a cold, radiating ache in the middle of my chest that creeps out in waves, eroding my sense of self. makes me want to hurt to stop being numb. how cliched is that?  so fucking trite and pedestrian.

no one listens, they just want to argue

what if i told you this was really me? what if i told you this was as good as i got? some good days and the rest of them like this. that this IS me.
what then?

that i'm not above disease. that i'm not beyond defect. that i'm not a perfect machine (let alone one in decent, running order)

that i really am damaged goods. that i really am a broken toy.

what then?

am i still lovable? 

cutter

Just another day in the doldrums. Another day waiting for the next shot to fire at my head, the other shoe to drop. Makes me wonder if I'm capable of being happy- as if it's just not a possibility b/c of who I am. At times, thinking it and writing it makes me feel like a depressed, 14yo fat girl with too many Robert Smith quotes written on her walls instead of feeling like a grown man. But it's what I think. It's how I feel. Fucking pathetic.

N.F.G.

nothing new for trash like you... no. fucking. good.