if i could find them, i'd make them all pay. and i'm sure i could. the digital age is inescapable. you'd have to work hard to leave no pattern that was capable of being tracked down.
after almost going to prison once- dodging it by the skin of my teeth- that fear is what keeps me from digging to see what i can see.
b/c if i found them, nothing would keep them safe; just like nothing kept me safe.
before i cut off their feet and fed them to them, we'd have a chat.
i would talk, they would listen.
i would ask if they understood, really understood, what they took from me. my entire childhood. every ounce of my innocence. any chance i could have ever had at living a normal life. and ask them what kind of life they've had. if the guilt comes for them in the dead of night the way the memories, minotaurs, and demons come for me. i'm sure it doesn't. i'm sure they've had happy lives, hiding who they really are- chewing through other people's souls behind their masks and closed doors.any guilt they could have is feigned. no one does those things while still being capable of guilt.
all the guilt i could of had for ending them got crushed out of me by every time they forced themselves into my child's body. pain eventually fades. the hate doesn't. my fear keeps them safe. not my mercy or forgiveness. i have none. they literally forced it out of me by forcing themselves into me. my fear of being incarcerated keeps them safe.
i wish they could know that. that every day someone realizes they aren't a child anymore. that they are a grown man. that they hate themselves so much and what was done to them that they obsessively put themselves through pain past what they think is tolerable to be stronger and to feel capable again.
people talk to me about forgiveness. about how it heals. about how it isn't for the other person but for me. forgiveness is just a word. it isn't even a concept i understand let alone an action i am capable of performing. and the people who speak to me about forgiveness... what the fuck do they know about forgiving anything like this? nothing. i know that's the case- nothing. until they get torn open over and over again as a child and have no one come to help or notice; until they have that hate and shame and confusion and rage take their humanity from them; i won't listen.
i have no forgiveness in me. no mercy. no empathy. no chance of forgetting. only hate and a vengeance that burns so bright it blinds me from seeing anything else.
i want them to sleep tight while they can. because one day i will come for them. and if i don't make it; i know i'm not the only one. all things come to those who wait, and some of us wait in ambush.
